Best. Job. Ever.

Dear Libby and Peyton,

I’m sitting here thinking of the two of you on the eve of my last official day as a stay at home mom. On Tuesday I’ll go back to work full time. In your lives I haven’t even worked a day, and I worry about what this change will mean for you. I never thought I’d get to stay home with you as long as I have. I’ve loved it. We owe Daddy so much gratitude for working so hard these last years to make it possible for me to be home. I’ve loved our slow mornings and pancake breakfasts. I’ve loved that you’ve been able to play with neighborhood friends, any time of day, in your underwear. I’ve loved eating popcorn and watching Annie even after the two of you barely touched your dinner. I’ve loved schlepping the two of you all over town in sun and rain and taking you on every errand. I’ve loved play dates, gymnastics, dance class and a futile attempt at swim lessons. I’ve loved the moments when I’ve had the time and patience to let you do something yourself even though it takes so much longer than doing it for you. I’ve loved watching the friendship develop between the two of you. Recently, I’ve loved listening to conversations between the two of you; conversations where I’m no longer needed.

I know I’m not the first mom to wrestle with this dilemma to work or not to work. It is quite the conversation among women and tends to be a pretty hot button issue. It’s not a hot topic for me. It’s never been about what other women, other families should do. Frankly, I don’t care. For me the struggle is simply this: I care about you. I love being with YOU.

People are quick to point out our ideal daycare situation. It is ideal and I’m so grateful. And because I’m a teacher, in a few short years the two of you and I will have the same schedule. That’s true too. Other children go to daycare. True. There are worse things. True. True. True. But, that’s the point. It just isn’t about any of that. For me it’s this: Being home with you for nearly four years has been……well, amazing. An amazing I didn’t imagine before you were born. We’ve not been without plenty of moments that fell short of amazing, but overall I wouldn’t trade one sleepless night, one blowout diaper or one projectile barf in my direction. I’d keep every moment because included in those moments are the sweetest snuggles, heart wrenching smiles and milestones that I’ve been present for. Being with you has been the single best use of my time, patience, energy and talent. Ever.

It all comes down to being present. If you grow up to be decent, loving people I’ve done my job. I know I can still do that job while being a working mom. But, I want more for you, more for us. One day I hope you’ll be able to look back on your life and say, “My mom was present. She was there for me. She hung up her phone, closed her laptop and turned off the t.v. for me. She looked me nose to nose and really got me. She showed up when I needed her to. She sees ME.”

When you were born I was surprised that loving you felt like such an ache; a connection I’d been told about but didn’t fully understand. In an instant we’d been handed this responsibility to care for you, protect you, love you. I hope I’ll always be able to communicate my love for the two of you in word, but more importantly in action. I love you both so much. Thanks for the opportunity to be with you. Because of Daddy and the two of you, the most important job titles I’ll ever hold are Wife and Mom. Paid or not. I love you to the moon and back.

Love, Mom