Kindergarten

The start of school is stressing me out this year. After careful thought, I'm sure it has little to do with school and teaching, and everything to do with school and parenting. Libby is starting kindergarten tomorrow. Tomorrow. But she was born yesterday. So naturally, tomorrow feels like it came five years too soon.

Today was "Meet Your Teacher" day at school, and our dear friend Tracy took Libby to meet her teacher, since I'm a teacher and I had to be in my classroom so my students could meet their teacher. About half way through the hour Tracy, Michael and the girls came through, picked up Libby's school supplies and headed to kindergarten. I have to go to another place in my mind while I'm at school, because it's so hard to be the teacher when I want to be the mom. And when thirty other families are hoping to leave their child with a teacher who isn't crying, well, holding it together is important.

As a kid, I was a clinger and a crier. I held tight to my mom while I worked up enough courage to let go. Watching Libby take this next step, even though she seems to be taking it in stride, makes me want to cling to my mom. All those feelings come rushing back and it's hard.

We go to a great school. The adults are caring and qualified. The program is strong. It's more diverse than others. It's familiar to her. It's all the things you want your kids' school to be. And still, letting her go to kindergarten is hard. What if she's lonely? What if others aren't kind? What if she gets hurt and wants me? What if someone eats her circus animal cookies right out of her lunch? What if she poops a super smudgy one and there aren't baby wipes and she comes home with an itchy bum?

See? See where I go? Oy.

I'm armed for a worst case scenario. I'll be ready with hugs, kisses, band-aides, cookies and, if need be, a freshly laundered pair of unders.

After meeting her teacher today she wanted to talk about the logistics of tomorrow and was disappointed that she wouldn't be going to work with me. I told her that Daddy would want to meet her teachers too, see the cafeteria, see how school works, and hold her hand on her first day. She told me she didn't need to hold Daddy's hand and since she knows where her room is now, she could walk there all by herself. I had to explain that Daddy might want to hold her hand because this was all new for him. The truth is, I'm sure I couldn't hack it.

My class starts lunch as hers is finishing so I'm hoping to catch a glimpse of her in the cafeteria or on the playground. Kindergarten, here we come....